Okay so I know this is going to be a lot to take in.. but take it in small peices.
Okay so first off some backstory:
Hi.. You can call me Katie, im a teenager and having a lot of trouble in my home life, I have a boyfriend who threatens to kill himself a lot and my dads an alcoholic, he is a recovering addict, and he once cheated on my mom. My mom on the other hand has horrible depression and anxiety. She said I could tell her if I was ever struggling with mental health but it's going to take me awhile to tell them. The way I combat these feelings I get about my family and friends is I self harm...a lot, don't eat, stay up late, and convice myself I'm okay when I'm not. Just tonight I cut about *mod edit* times on each arm.. I'm not sure how to help myself stop it I want to..
What I'm on here for:
I want to figure out ways to stop cutting and to tell my parents about cutting, my anxiety, and my depression. I have some friends I've told and they gave me some ideas I just want to be able to stop cutting before I tell them. I feel like I am insane and should be in a mental hospital because of the thoughts that run through my mind.
Next is I'll give you some things I thought of tonight:
I thought for a long time about suicide and on why I shouldn't. I should be dead, I was a mistake. Why am I here just to get screwed over? why isn't it over. Why is anyone my friend I'm not a good friend. Why does anyone trust me. Why shouldn't I be dead. I miss my grandma I should see him (His story will be next) Why can't I tell my parents. I can't even tell my friends the whole truth.
My grandpas story:
When I was 2-3 We rushed to my grandparents house. My grandpa was about to die and he was waiting for me. When we showed up I ran inside and gave him a huge hug the help his hand kissing it once in awhile. I remember him shutting his eyes and everyone pushing me out of the way. I was really confused and he was rushed out the door (for now on this is my kid mind till the ☆ comes) He was put onto a stretcher and pushed over a green crayon colored in hill with flowers over it, over the meadow and off to the distance. ☆ I wasn't sure what my kid mind thought but thats one thing that's always been my trigger is someone saying something horrible about their grandparents because I didn't know my grandpa well but he was and always will be a huge influence on my life.
Oh my lord if you read all of that thanks haha its a lot to take in and shouldn't be digested all at one time. Thank you so much again I just kinda needed to organize my thoughts.

I was diagnosed with AvPD and SAD and I was wondering if anyone has a horrible problem with eye contact and being touched?
I have never been able to make eye contact unless I absolutely felt like it was necessary so that I didn't seem rude.
I can't make eye contact with my dad no matter what and I can barely make eye contact with my mom.

I also have a hard time dealing with being touched. When someone accidentally touches me, I literally cringe. I then feel like I need to go wash whatever part they touched me. I can't be touched by my dad because it just feels horrible! If he touches me, I feel like I'm going to cry. I'm okay with my mom touching me SOMETIMES, but she doesn't want to touch me because she has issues of her own.
I just hate being touched so much. Hugs and hand shaking are horrifying for me.
I want to get over this, but at the same time I just really don't want to ever be touched.

i don't know how to use these forums very well..
I'm maria and i'm studying radio at college in Edinburgh. for my exam i have to create a 3-4 minute package about a subject of my choice. after much research and thinking i decided i wanted to do my package on bi polar-ism and basically just explaining what it is and how it can be helped,spotted ect

i read somewhere that only 25% of suffers are actually getting treated and i want my package to highlight this so that people can get help or even just get a better knowledge of it.

4 minutes dose not sound a large amount of time but in radio its plenty and theres alot of time to fill

so i came to this forum to find anybody who is willing to do an interview for me over the phone preferably a sufferer who can tell their story and how it has effected them ?

or even someone who studies bipolar ism who can give some light on symptoms and help available

all help is greatly appreciated

Ive been struggling with depersonalization for a few months now. It began after a year long 24/7 battle with extreme social anxiety and fear. My brain has shut down and i dont feel fear anymore or nervousness. Not even when talking to people. I feel very dettached and unhuman. I dont feel real. I cant even recall the last moment of happiness i found. I feeel relaxed and peaceful but unable to relate to anyone and have a very profound lack of interest in socializiong. Although i dont really feel emotion i can tell i am experiencing symptoms closer related to panic disorder - like difficulty breathing , tightened blurry vision, tensed jaw, etc. the most disturbing apsect of this to me is that i sincierely believe i have no personality, quirks, opinions, interests, or dislikes. Nothing moves me and i can not seem to make my mind up about anything simple or large because i really feel internally that i just dont have a preference for anythinng at all. I have no sense of self to be honest. I often feel transparent and itd hard to feel like you have a relationship with anyone when you cant process that they truly want to talk to you, or that they are actually addressing you . This is hard to explain but if anyone feels the same way it would be very helpful to hear.

So i've never written a post ever on any forum, ever, and since things have changed for me recently, i'd decide to give this a go. Might not come back to this but i want to get whats in my head out there and see if anyone has anything to say about me and my problems.
My problems: I care about my family too much. I'm almost certain that I have depression, mild anxiety and a myriad of other mental health problems but I've never been properly diagnosed because I care about my family too much to have them worry about me at all. I also come from a culture where mental health is not a 'real' problem, but rather a thing for the weak or the bored.
I think about death a lot BUT i'm not suicidal. I'm fine with death and i'm not scared of it but I would never be able to go through with it as long as my parents are alive because I can't put them through all that pain. If they died though, I would have not much of a reason to keep going, but that is not the point of this post.
I've always been very aware of my issues and i've always been able to talk myself down in my head like there was a third person that tells the two conflicting voices in my head what to do. This third voice sounds like a trusty friend, insightful parent, or even a advising counsellor, when i think about it. This voice knows what people views as normal and suppresses my arguing voices to make me seem 'normal'. It usually takes effort but I know it works because everyone thinks I'm still this smiley, happy girl, which really hasn't been the case since about 7 years ago (when my first encounter of death in the family happened)
My dog (who's been with me for almost 15 years) died yesterday and I was sad but it wasn't a fearful, regretful sadness. It was more of a "i'll miss you" and "we've spent good time together" happy sadness, though it was really sudden and shocking. I still miss him but I don't think I'm doing too bad. My parents on the other hand haven't been able to sleep, eat, not spontaneously cry, and not talk about morbidity every couple of hours. They also hug me a lot because they think its comforting for me, and probably themselves too.
I guess what I'm saying is that is it weird that I'm so aware of what I'm almost sure I have? Does this mean I don't have these mental health issues because it doesn't really affect my daily life and I know what triggers it, how to control it, and what works/doesn't work? Do other people with mental health issues experience this too?
An analogy (if you're still reading): I deal with my problems like dealing with my period. When it starts, I know what I can do to not let it leak out for the world to see. I know what the best way to deal with the dirty pad/tampon is, to chuck it out (feeling all my feelings/non-feelings but in a physical location where no one will see me then throw them out or at least leave them where they can't be seen). I clean up after myself and flush the bloody mess away (make sure no one can physically see or pick out that I have problems at any point of any time)
What do you think?